Director Blog
When Fathers Fail, Predators are more Likely to Succeed! The Silent Story of Sexual Abuse, including the Penn State Scandal
By Kenneth Braswell, Fathers Incorporated, Stacey Bouchet, Women In Fatherhood, Inc. and David Miller; Raising Him Alone Campaign
There are myriad reasons why the Penn State scandal has consumed news headlines. As advocates for responsible fatherhood and mentoring, we see it as another steep cost of fatherlessness because we understand the vital importance of healthy, loving fathers to children. For us, the PSU allegations represent a screaming call for increased efforts to support children who are particularly vulnerable to the advances of predators, children without fathers or strong male role models.
Research shows that children who live in father-absent homes face higher risks of physical and sexual abuse than children who live with their biological fathers; these children are overrepresented by poor boys of color. Sandusky’s program was a perfect cover for this abuse. Consider how the vicious cycle of fatherlessness increases opportunities for predators. Disadvantaged children of color are the most likely to enter programs as a result of mothers seeking safe places of mentorship to compensate for a missing parent, overwhelmingly fathers. The desire to be loved and cared for can manifest itself in ways that make children vulnerable to abuse by misleading adults. Make no mistake–predators are well aware of this!
We can speculate on what might have happened at PSU, who did what, and what should be done to the principals involved. However, until we recognize as a society that fatherlessness is an access gate for predators, the problem will continue. Thus, the clarion call for responsible fatherhood and mentoring organizations is to fill in the gap of protection and support for our vulnerable children. Many of these youth will have to navigate relationships with adults and peers who do not have their best interests at heart, so it is imperative they have healthy male role models to trust and demonstrate loving behavior. The best learning environment for this is in a household with two responsible, nurturing and engaged biological parents. When that isn’t possible, other appropriate supports need to be put in place.
This might be accomplished in several ways. First, raise awareness: children who are most vulnerable often lack uninvolved fathers. This story needs to be told more; the importance of fathers needs to be the message. Second, maintain vigilance and take precautions. Make sure children are not left unsupervised. Talk to children about what physical, emotional and sexual boundaries look like, even when the conversation is uncomfortable. Third, be smart. Parents should have their radars up. We are not advocating for “witch hunts,” but rather adequate screening tools for professionals who work with kids. Parents must be involved with the organization and engaged with their children on levels that can alert them to signs of trouble. Often parents don’t want to believe a friend or family member would prey on children, but they must also know and look for warning signs. Fourth, keep the victims as the main focus of the story so their pain isn’t silenced. Joe Paterno should NOT have been the main headliner in this scandal! And fifth, see something, say something, do something! Too many of us sit back and watch the social drama when issues are uncovered, but don’t take time to demonstrate concerns in meaningful ways. Are we talking with other parents, our church, our PTA? Are you a man who can volunteer your time as a much needed mentor to a child?
The Penn State scandal is a warning shot across the bow of our lives—a call for the need to get serious about increased father involvement and male role models for the safety and well-being of our children. How many adults who claim to care will answer this call?
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Mr. Braswell is the author of “When The Tear Won’t Fall” One Man’s Journey through the Intimate Struggle of Manhood and Fatherhood. Stacy Bouchet is the Co-Director of Women In Fatherhood and David Miller is the CEO of the Urban Leadership Institute. Visit www.fathersincorporated.com or email us at fathersincorporated@gmail.com
Copyright 2011© All Rights Reserved
The Destructive Nature of the Human Crab
By Kenneth Braswell
(October 19, 2011) I was listening to the voice of my 2 ½ year old son, and thought for a moment that one day he will look me in the eye and ask, “Why did you decide to work with dads?” Next to him will be my nephew who is now 4 years old and has only seen his father a few times. He’s going to mimic as he does now, my son’s words. “Yeah, Uncle Kenny, how come you spent so much of your life working with black men,” he’ll add. At that moment I will have to ponder the span of my life and come up with an answer that won’t bore them or one that will send me to tears.
At that moment before answering their questions, I’ll have to remember the days I spent away from them traveling around the country and nights they went to bed not seeing my face or hearing my voice. I’ll also have to remember my humble beginnings of forging into a work, which it too was in its infancy. I’ll also have to ponder the many faces of men I’ve looked into with the hopes that something I said would change their lives. Then there are the voices of mothers who scrambled for answers on how they would manage raising children without their fathers around.
Oh and there were the nights I sat in the car outside my house speaking to a father in crisis or an organization seeking advice on how to further their work with men. Somehow in the same moment, I’ll think of all the vacations I could have taken my family on if I had only not spent so much of our personal income on following this dream. I’ll see the look on my wife’s face all the times; I’ve said we have to slow down on spending, because money is tight. There’ll be many other things I’ll think about in the moment before answering the question. Then upon all that pondering, I’ll say something witty like, “well you know boys, there are many kids just like you who didn’t have a father and role model in their lives. I simple did what I had to do in order to give children the best possible chances in their lives. I believed that the way to do that was to make sure they had a dad in their lives too.”
We would then embrace in a hug, the music would play and we’d go skipping off happily ever after. Then another reality would sink in. The disappointing reality of how the nature of human crabs attempted to keep my vision in the confines of their own small minds. In this thought process I would think about how I fell victim to a deeply rooted hatred of black men by other black men who felt they were more privileged and deserving than I. I would then think about the many nights my family believed I was tired, however just depressed over how rabid a man can become if he believe somehow you have received something he believes to be his. I would have to tell my boys that their good intentions might not match up with the world’s perception of them. That sometimes the greater good of the work, won’t matter. I’ll then say to them, it’s the crab in the barrel effect. Huh!? “According to the Urban Dictionary; a syndrome where a group of like situated people hurt those in their community attempting to get ahead. Like when harvesting crab, the crab as a group will pull down any crab that starts to climb out of the barrel in an attempt to be the first out of the barrel that holds them in, hence crabs-in-a-barrel.”
For me that moment will be a sad and painful one. I’ll have to think about whether I tell them everybody who calls themselves a friend can’t be trusted. I’ll have to tell them to be careful about what they say in innocence and honesty, because it could be used against you. I’ll also have to help them understand that if it slithers like a snake, it is. I’ll end that conversation with, “this is all a part of the good work God would have you do on HIS behalf.” With that said, I’ll end, “the fire comes along with the glory.
If my boys are anything like I was growing up; they won’t understand any of it. Because learning comes through knowing and wisdom comes through experience. At this moment in time, I’ll remember the sound of their little voices asking the original question, “Why did you do the work?” Not only will I have to answer them for the sake of their learning, but I will have to answer for the sake of my confirmation to myself. Because someone needs to know why one would stand in the midst of fire for someone else’s liberties and freedoms. As a black man, I’ll need to hear myself say, why I worked so hard to address the issue of fatherless in a community resistant to the notion that a black father has value. I heard Cornell West once say in an interview with tears coming down his eyes, “There is nothing more difficult than helping a people who hates themselves.” I would add to that, “and the leaders who claim to love, but hate them just as much as a reflection of themselves.”
My tombstone won’t tell the story of why I worked so hard to restore my community. It won’t tell the stories of how black men rallied to destroy my work or how people despised my blessings. Nor will it talk about the true friends that stood in the gap when I began to doubt myself. It won’t speak to my faith, my work, my effort, my dedication, my serious intent, my suffering, my pain or my motivation. It won’t even speak to my end. It won’t say anything to the average person passing by who happens to glance at the inscription.
It will say this; that from this day forward crabs are in for the BIGGEST fight of their life. Make a declaration on your life TODAY, not to allow haters to determine your destiny or define your limits. You have the ability to make a change in the world. People are depending on you to triumph over your oppressors, detractors and people who undermine your value. It’s ok to stop and lick your wounds for a minute, but don’t allow that to be your perpetual state. With regards to black people, we must break the chains of psychological slavery. Call it out for what it is. Be brave in your conviction and steady in your stance. TODAY is my “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired,” day. Let it be yours too. Silence indicates to the enemy that you believe you don’t exist or you don’t matter.
To people who need you; YOU MATTER!
Trusting Yourself When You Can’t Trust Anybody Else
By KENNETH BRASWELL
There is nothing more devastatingly disappointing in life than to have a friend or colleague betray you. To know that someone you have trusted, confided and let into the inner most secrecies of your life, would then attempt to destroy you using that same platform of trust. Even more violating than the arrogant nature to which people engage in character and image assassination is when that impacts how you trust others.
I am not short of being involved in my own mistakes in life and whether the initiator or recipient of distrustful actions, it undoubtedly leaves a deep and painful scar for all those involved and to a lesser extent those who witness. Yet there is an indelible difference between acts of distrust done in immaturity and ignorance and those done in malicious intent and deceit. It is the latter, I attempt to address.
Typically when we find ourselves in the midst of the chaos and confusion of distrust, we tend to lose our sanity in the “who” or even the “how” of the matter. As a result we sidestep the fact that much of our answer is in the “why” of the matter. The “who” and “how” are more often obvious, however the “why” can be allusive; or is it?!
Recently I have been thinking alot about the prayer of Jabaz which comes from 1 Chronicles 4:10. It simply says; “And Jabez called on the God of Israel, saying, Oh that Thou wouldest bless me indeed, and enlarge my coast (territory), and that Thine hand might be with me, and that Thou wouldest keep me from evil, that it may not grieve me! And God granted him that which he requested.” The bible does not speak a lot about Jabaz and why he spoke this prayer, however if you mediate long enough, it gives some insight on our issue of “why” many people engage in acts of distrust. For the sake of quickness to the point, I believe that “enlarge my coast” is at the core of why people do so.
A funny, periodically tragic and often times disturbing thing happens when your territory expands. We forget that expansion is a blessing. Yet to some, an expansion (blessings) can be seen as intrusive to them and undeserving to you. Thus, we find that intruding on ones territory can invoke interesting reactions and often times cause them to immediately protect, defend, and claim what they believe to be within their ownership or perceived right. Territory is not always confined to physical objects, but often times are intangible items of time, emotional space, ideas, work, relationships/friendships; etc. It’s important to note that everyone will not see your blessing as a good thing; maybe for you; but not for them. Therefore the response to your blessing is what causes people to show themselves as true understanders of God’s blessing or perpetrators to their own selfish wants and needs.
I am currently reading “Surviving in an ANGRY WORLD; Finding Your Way to Personal Peace” by Charles F. Stanley. In the book it speaks to how most people don’t see themselves as angry. A good friend once told me that anger is a secondary emotion. She explained that in order to understand one’s anger, you must first find out what they are angry about. Angry people are quick to justify and make excuses for their actions against you because legitimate and truthful reasons don’t lend credence to their envy, jealousy, pride, ego and selfishness.
As I have been thinking more and more about this, the real issue I believe could be my own. Quite frankly in who I call a friend. T.D. Jakes taught a lesson in 2010 called “Comrades, Confidants and Constituents” where he describes the difference in the people we call friends. What struck me about his descriptions wasn’t in who they are as people, but why they are close to you in the first place. Each of which demonstrates a certain level of loyalty between who you are and what you can do for them. On the extreme side, your usefulness too many is in your ultimate personal, spiritual, material and emotional demise.
My pastor said something to me that will serve as a binding principle to which I will forever live by, “your true character will be defined by how you walk with people who hate you.” What a horrible reality, yet sobering and necessary if you are going to continue to ask and expect to be blessed. The burden and responsibility of expanded territory doesn’t end with the receipt, in fact it increases. Most people don’t understand what it means to be abundantly blessed. If they did, they might rethink what they ask for.
I think one of the hardest things in life to know is who to trust. When you are right it strengthens your heart, when you are wrong it challenges your faith in life and people. I read a quote once that said, “Never explain,” because friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway. I’ve recently thought that you have to trust somebody because if you don’t, you begin to question trusting even yourself.
Charles Stanley’s book suggests that while you can’t control what people say about you and do to you; you can control how you respond. As my pastor also reminded me, Jesus was well aware of Judas, but kept him around anyway. Enemies and hateful people also have a purpose in your life. They may not be there in a way that makes you feel great, but the way you respond to them can contribute to you being GREAT!
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Mr. Braswell is the author of “When The Tear Won’t Fall” One Man’s Journey through the Intimate Struggle of Manhood and Fatherhood. He is also a national expert in the field of Responsible Fatherhood and Community Development. Visit www.fathersincoprorated.com or email me at kenneth.braswell@gmail.com
Copyright 2011© All Rights Reserved
The Landscape of New Levels: How to Overcome Blessing Paralysis
By Kenneth Braswell
Have you ever arrived at a place that you believe should be familiar only to be surprised that the surrounding is unrecognizable? I suspect it’s the feeling that a mountain climber feels when they reach the top and overwhelmed by the vastness of seeing more than they expected. Looking out amongst the other mountain tops and gazing back to see how far he has traveled must have a consuming feeling of accomplishment. Obtaining a goal so high must also cause one to wonder, what’s next?
Nothing is said in the Book of Genesis about Adam and Eve immediately after GOD banished them from the Garden of Eden. However one must ponder that they looked at each other and one said, “What the heck are we gon do now?! Because of that assumption it has to be near the truth that an unclear state of mind must come with an “above expectation blessing.” Besides, we spend so much time on the journey to blessings that when we actually receive it, we can’t believe it.
It’s interesting to note that when Sarah was told she would bare a child in her old age, she laughed. Many of us in the midst of our wanting believe that one day we’ll reach our goals, yet can’t believe it once it happens. Moses must have thought, “Wow,” when Pharaoh finally let the Israelites go. Walking away stunned that he had actually accomplished what God set out for him to do. Even Joseph must have been somewhat surprised to realize that the prophesy of having all things bow to him, actually began happening right before his eyes. But what’s next?! What do you do when you are standing there in the midst of your blessing and nothing around you looks the same?
When President Obama won the presidency, many of us were in a state of euphoria. Ironically, half of us couldn’t believe he won and the other half couldn’t believe he didn’t lose. Almost immediately upon winning and the inauguration celebration I believe he realized that nothing around him looked the same. Thus in this new level of presidential blessing, he had to begin a new journey despite the unfamiliarity of his surroundings.
Simultaneously not only did he receive what he believed to be his blessing, he also immediately began receiving what one might describe as his curse. Everybody wasn’t happy about his new level. Journalist David Brinkley once said that “a successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.” To me what he was saying was that; once you have obtained your next level blessing, that immediately you will have to whether the attack, start working and building towards your next blessing.
Blessing Paralysis happens when you are so overwhelmed by the blessing that it inhibits your ability to activate its anointing. Blessing Paralysis prohibits you from beginning your next journey. Blessing Paralysis is also in effect when the burden of being blessed is more overwhelming than the burden of obtaining it. It always strikes me strange when a pro player becomes hurt that he/she immediately begins talking about coming back. One could argue that the blessing of being a professional athlete is blessing enough. However, their mindset is that the injury is an opportunity to begin building a foundation to higher blessings.
When the unfamiliarity of blessing occurs there are three things that must be addressed to ensure you are not stuck holding your blessing:
- You have to believe the blessing is yours and it belongs to you. Two things put you on the path to blessings: 1) actively working every moment of your life with an eye toward believing the outcome is deserved and 2) believing that even if the blessing is more than your eyes can conceive; it should never be more than your heart can believe.
- Never be afraid to fail in your blessing. Once you receive a blessing, people will begin to judge you by your new level. I believe that success is just a necessary milestone of failure. The quest is to keep failing until success becomes just as familiar.
- Understand that your obedience and faith to the process/path is what placed you in the position to receive the blessing. Even though the surrounding may look unfamiliar, the blessing shouldn’t. “Don’t aim for success if you want it; just do what you love and believe in, and it will come naturally.” (David Frost)
Success isn’t a reason to stop dreaming. Unfamiliar surroundings don’t mean you don’t know where you are. The process of next level thinking is hard to operate in because once you achieve it; you immediately have to determine the path to the next level. When we achieve what is believed to be our dreams it is critical to understand that our dreams may be much smaller than God’s desire for us. Which is why when we are seemingly over blessed, it doesn’t look like what we expected.
Yes, take some time to appreciate the blessing, even be joyful in the fact that God chose you. However, don’t allow the blessing to paralyze you into a state of stagnation. A blessing is designed to bless, not to hold on to while you are mesmerized by the feeling of success or the fear of being attack. Also, while everything around you may seem different, unfamiliar and new, there are two things that should remain the same; YOU and the fact that the GOD who blessed you is still in the blessing game!
Uncomfortably Blessed
By Kenneth Braswell
When I was growing up in Brooklyn, I can still remember the overwhelming excitement when we heard the ice cream truck come through the neighborhood. We would all run to the windows beneath where we lived and shout up to our mothers, “Mama the ice cream man is coming, throw me some money.” On occasion that would happen. On other occasions it would not. On good days my mother would tell me to bring her something as well. Many times when I arrived to the house with my mom’s ice cream in tow, she would make me stay in the house with her to eat the ice cream. You can imagine how I felt because I wanted nothing more than to run back outside and eat my ice cream in front of my friends. But my mother understood something I did not. Every parent in our neighborhood wasn’t blessed to send their child to the ice cream man.
As a child I couldn’t understand what it meant to be uncomfortably blessed. How could GOD bless you with something, but you couldn’t let others know you had it. Being poor I grew up in times that God would place us in positions to occasionally do things we could not normally do like, eat ice cream, go to the movies, get a new pair of sneakers, buy a new piece of furniture or go on a trip. Many times that came after somebody “hit the number.” Yet at the same time those who were just as poor as we were; would watch the blessings of others waiting for their turn/blessing to arrive. It was at those times, we would have to enjoy our blessings in quiet and with humility.
Blessings reveal beautiful spirits in some; for others the intensity of hatred and disgust. Thus, at a time you should rejoice in what GOD has done for you, even if it’s momentary; human nature forces you to hold it in.
Sometimes God will bless you in an uncomfortable position. At those times, you have to be aware that everybody won’t understand why you were blessed and question why not them. In fact, will protest your blessing, reject your legitimacy and even attempt to strip you of that which God has given you. In Genesis 4:6 after Cain and Able exchanged offerings to their father; Cain walked away rejected and God asked him, “Why are you so angry?” The parable then says that God said to him, you will be accepted if you answer the question correctly. God was testing the loyalty of his heart by asking Cain to tell HIM what he really felt. However, jealousy, envy, despite, anger and revenge; I suppose were too shameful to reveal. In response to both the situation and the question; Cain killed his only brother.
I have to believe that when Cain walked away, Abel felt uncomfortably blessed. Further; in his mind the situation did not change the way he felt about his brother. Why else would he follow him into the fields?
In Genesis 37:5 Joseph was given a gift by his father Jacob that made his brothers hate him. So much so his brothers did not have a kind word to say about him. Joseph then reveals to his brothers a dream which the scripture says caused them to hate him even more. They went on to ridicule, taunt, strip him of his gift and eventually threw him in a pit and then sold him into slavery. What calculated extremes to go to in denying one’s blessings. However, if you live long enough, it will happen to you.
There is nothing more painful than to not be able to share your joy. There is nothing more hurtful than to have those close to you rather see you die without your blessing than to live with it. I learned a long time ago to be pleased with another man’s blessing. That what another person has or possess doesn’t speak to what GOD has for me. In fact the blessings of another, affirms my belief that GOD is still a miracle serving GOD. I’m clear that my obedience and faith will bring me the harvest of the Father if I continue to plant the seeds of purpose intended for me.
Therefore when they attack; stay the course. Even take a moment to bow your head in prayer and shed some tears. But when you lift your head, move with the vigor, intensity and urgency of your purpose. Always look to the hills from which your help will come. As hard as it might be, stay prayerful that GOD will heal your enemies and place a hedge of protection around you. In the moment, this may be the hardest thing you will ever have to do; but GOD is testing your faith and your understanding that the battle is not yours. Distractions and detractors are part of the blessings.
So, if you have to eat your ice cream in the comfort of your own presence, do it with a thankful heart, an open mind and forgiving nature. As with Job, GOD will test your ability to withstand the attack. On the other side you will be stronger, the enemy will be exposed for what it is and your faith will be renewed and strengthen. It’s unfortunate, but sometimes you will have to be uncomfortably blessed. The bottom line is; YOU ARE BLESSED and nothing can take that away from you; especially the world.